I Think I’m Depressed.
I’ve been saying that to myself for the last few days, and I can’t get it out of my head. When that thought first came over me, I had to ask myself why I was saying “I think.” Well are you or aren’t you? That’s a very difficult thing for me to answer right now, and I’m pretty sure that’s the problem.
You see, one thing I’ve always been good at is self-evaluating myself and my mindset. I’ve always had a knack for understanding myself and why I do certain things, but sometimes things aren’t as clear as I want them to be, and that’s frustrating. A lot of people have labelled me as emotionless or stoic or closed off or something of the sort, but I think that is wildly inaccurate. If you’re actually a close friend of mine, you know I speak my mind and my emotions quite a bit. I am a very emotional person, I just choose to discuss what I’m feeling without those feelings getting in the way (most of the time). But that’s what makes this time a little different - I don’t know how to discuss what I’m feeling.
I go through each day having fun, laughing, and smiling like I always do, but right when the day slows, it all comes crashing down in my head. I immediately start feeling a lot of negative emotions, all for various reasons - Anger, Sadness, Helpless, Violent, Lost, et cetera. Like I said before though, I’m generally very good at self-evaluating. I completely understand why I’m feeling these things with certain situations going on in my life currently, but I always try to analyze myself without the emotions getting in the way, and I just simply can’t do that this time. Every time I try to figure out what is going on, all of these things flood my thoughts again, and it all comes rushing back.
You may be thinking that I’m not depressed, I’m just going through a tough spot and have a lot of emotions going at one time, and you might be right, but let me pushback on that for a minute… Hell, that’s what we’re here for, isn’t it?
Without looking up any definitions or anything like that, I would say that your level of depression would have to be based off of your base-level of emotion on any given day. It’s safe to say my entire life is centered around comedy - Friendships, Hobbies, Podcasts, Conversations, Everything. It’s all comedy to me. I bring that up to say that I have a lot of fun all day with everything that I do because my favorite thing on this planet is to be goofy and to entertain myself and others. That is all well and good, but that is not what I would consider to be my base-emotion right now. When I get home after a long day and finally sit down by myself, that energy is no longer there, but the negative emotions are. I get angry, jealous, sad, hurt, unmotivated, and plenty more emotions I could list. I essentially never want to get out of bed, take care of myself, eat healthy, clean, or anything of the sort. Right now, when I’m alone and sitting with my own thoughts, this is who I am and I don’t like it. Right now, my baseline emotions are on a fucking hair-trigger. I can just tell that I’m almost actively looking for conflict so I can get some of this negativity out either by verbal confrontations or maybe even physical (let’s hope not). THAT is my base-line emotion, and that’s not who I want to be. I want to be back to the loving, goofy, silly person I used to be 24/7. Today, that guy is nowhere to be found until I’m putting on a performance for the people around me (gross). I have great friends that would help me get back to that, but that’s just not how I’m doing it this time around.
(Apparently I’m choosing to share this with the world this time. Not sure why, but this is very therapeutic for me right now, so thank you for taking the time to read this).
I honestly don’t know what the point of me writing this is other than to get it off my chest and hopefully start a few conversations amongst you and your friends. I just want to be clear that there are many faces of depression, so please be careful with people, strangers included. It’s very possible too that someone might not even know they are depressed (case and point)! Everyone is battling something every day of their life, so let’s just make a point to be aware and understanding of that. Even the happiest, most successful, and most loving people can be going through this without you knowing. If you see a friend who you suspect might be struggling, please reach out to them and make sure they are alright. Hell - even if you don’t suspect anything, make a point to regularly check in on your friends anyway, beyond the occasional “you good?” You might have to ask a few follow up questions to see if their tone changes, but it is worth the risk of them being slightly annoyed if it ends up helping one way or another... My point is, a simple text goes a long way. You never know what someone is bottling up.
Even if what I’m going through is considered depression, I will be okay and will be back to my true self hopefully sooner rather than later. I am a fighter, and this shit isn’t going to stop me or slow me down, but some people may not be able to have that mindset. If you take anything away from this, I hope it is this:
Please please pleeeease, check on your friends.
The support and understanding from family and friends will help immensely, whether that is just in a mindset shift or potentially suicide prevention. The celebrities below all battled with depression, and on the surface, they all seemed happy. Don’t let someone you know suffer through this without noticing, asking, or offering any help… If you ever feel overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts, please feel free to reach out to me personally or call the prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also text GO to 741741 to reach a trained Crisis Counselor through Crisis Text Line, a global not-for-profit organization. Free, 24/7, confidential.
If you’re reading this, please know that I love you. I want you here, your family wants you here, and your friends want you here. Please don’t go anywhere.
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It is hard to convey feelings associated with depression as a “positive” person to anyone that doesn’t also share your experience (in their own way). When I got my semicolon tattoo a friend of mine was incredulous. “What does that mean?” “It’s for suicide awareness. Prevention.” He said “who’s it for?” “Me,” I told him. His further reaction was inadvertently insensitive. He later said I was the last person on earth he’d expect to be depressed. Anyway - this wasn’t supposed to be about me. Thank you for sharing this. Sometimes the most therapeutic catharsis we have is just saying it. Admitting it. Letting it out. I love you Adam. You are never alone.